Between You, Me, and The Big Black Old Trunk

I have gone. The journey was over. You haven’t found me yet. Maybe I got into the wrong tunnel. Or maybe you waited for me at the wrong station.

I bought a ticket, but I never got into that train. I walked down the path, instead, completely with my tired legs and big black old trunk. The trunk was so heavy, and I tried to empty it. But, I found myself couldn’t do it.

Then, I realized. The trunk was full of my memories; the good ones, and the bad ones. They were about them, and him, and you, and me, and us as well. I had only one choice; I had to throw out the trunk and its contents or I brought it for the rest of my life. I knew it very consciously; the trunk was the only one that I had left.

I made my decision because you were not here. I left her, the other side of me, with you. She was all you’ve ever really wanted. I brought that big black old trunk with me. I brought all the past. I brought all the memories. I brought all you’ve never wanted.

I made another trunk, the beautiful new trunk; white with purple embroidery of flowers on it. I left it with her, as a memento for her and for you.

Things have been so hard lately. And it got harder every time I measured the distance between you and me. The further I stepped, the harder it went. Between you, me, and that big black old trunk, there wasn’t any chain anymore. But, why was the trunk getting heavier every time I made a little step?

Between You, Me, and Pecel Ayam

Subject #1

No records found.

Subject #2

No records found.

Subject #3

No records found.

Subject #4

This morning, I remembered him in a sudden. 12 years ago, I’ve ever loved him once. When there’s nothing left to blame, I had him. When there’s nobody there to hear my sorrow, he heard me. When there’s anybody else to believe, I put my trust on him. I remembered him. Not much, but I do still remember him.

Subject #5

No records found.

Subject #6

On my way to work, I remembered him, not in a sudden. I was thinking about subject #4 when I remembered him. I needed almost 3 years to give in on subject #4 when finally I tried to start hoping again. When things went hard, I thought I had him. When it seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel, I thought I was finally saved. 9 years ago, I’ve ever loved him once.

Subject #7

Facing laptop screen on my table, I remembered you. No, not in a sudden, because I always remember you. My hands were typing words I couldn’t recognize, my head was thinking of you. Years ago, I’ve ever loved you once. I still do now. Years ago, I’ve ever hated you once. I still do now.

I have built a tiny cocoon; to hide myself, to protect me from pain and happiness, to keep me safe from empty hopes that never came true. I needed 5 years to set myself free. I needed more time to get myself back.

Between you, me, and pecel ayam, there were hundreds heart-to-heart moments we shared; when we talked about God… about future… about love… about life…

And about pain… about affair… about past… about faith… about loyalty…

Also about them… about him… about you… about me… about us…

Things come, things go. People come, people go. Things change because people change. Then, I finally understand. I tried hard to set me free. One thing I kept declining to realize, I locked myself in a box and I forgot where I put the key. I tried hard to get myself back. One thing I’ve never known, I have always been me.

That pecel ayam has never been between you and me again for so long time. And we never talked about God anymore… about future… about love… about life…

And about pain… about affair… about past… about faith… about loyalty…

Also about them… about him… about you… about me… about us… no more.

I have gone so far, and I have never changed. I’m still here, waiting for you to come and take me home. If I take another way and you find me at the end of my journey, I’m too afraid to find out whether you will be happy or not.