Me, My Self, and I

Monday, December 22, 2014

A Letter to My Mom

Dear Mom,

I would never remember…

When you hold me tight for more than 9 months before I was born,
or when you had sickness every morning during pregnancy,
or when I felt excited and kicked you and Pop would caress your pregnant bump,
or when you faced hell to give me birth.

I would not remember…

When I was sick and you swang my baby body,
or when I felt sad and you sang me lullabies,
or when I took my first steps and you smiled and clapped,
or when I got my first bruise and you nursed it tenderly.

I might not remember…

When I screamed at you because you did not allow me to go with my friends,
or when I slammed the door after you scolded me for coming home late,
or when I did not answer thousands of your phone calls,
or when I shut myself at my room and ignored you.

But, I did remember…

When my heart broke for the first time and you just smiled at me, told me that I would fall in love few times before I found my soulmate,
or when I got bad scores and you lectured me how I wasted my potentials and talents,
or when I misbehad and you preached me how I should take care of and appreciate my own self,
or when I felt heartsick and you hugged me openly and warmly.

I still remember…

When I thought everything was falling into pieces, you said that sometimes we have to demolish something before build something new,
or when I got very angry, you just said that someday I would understand why you did what you did,
or when I felt so lonely, you always made me feel that I always have a place at home,
or when I thought I was a big girl now then I realized that even big girls need their mama once in a while.

Mom, I am remembering…

That you have always been there, no matter what,
You are here, right in my heart and in my mind;
That you have always been my light when darkness came,
You are standing there keeping the light on, I always know my way home;
That you have always been my bestfriend,
You are my first bestie.

Mom, to the world, maybe you’re just a mother,
But, to me, you are the world.

Selamat Hari Ibu, Mom.
I love you more than I can say.


Many kisses and big hugs,
Your only daughter XOXO


Friday, December 19, 2014

If Only You Were Here

I took a 10 minutes break. I found "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton on YouTube. While enjoying the video, I found myself almost cry on my chair.

Hell, I was in the middle of working with my colleagues sitting on their own chairs. I should not cry here. It would be embarassing and I was not supposed to do personal matter at the office.


So, I closed the video and grabbed my BlackBerry. I found a picture of me and my Ompung Doli (Grandpa) then put it as profile picture on BBM. Damn! I missed him so much!




During lunch break, I checked my BBM. My Tatte (aunt) has saved my profile picture and put the picture as her profile picture with status "Toppu malungun tu Damang" (Suddenly miss father). I sent her message.


Me: "Same here. I miss Ompung Doli so badly."

Tatte: "Yeah. Maybe because Christmas is coming."
Me: "Yeah..."

While riding my motorbike on my way home after work, I felt so sad. I cried out loud. My tears streamed on my both cheeks. I screamed, "Ompuuuung...!! Aku rinduuuu...!! (Grandpa! I miss you!) I realized some people saw me but I didn't care.


I missed him so, so badly that it hurt so deep. He was my guardian angel. He was my hero. He was my role model. He was everything to me. And he was not here. Anymore.


Arrived at home, I texted Tatte. Then, she called me. Her voice broke. She must have cried. She told me that my Mom also felt so mellow all day, missing Ompung Doli. We talked about 10 minutes, talking about how great Ompung Doli has been.


I lied down on and cried again.


It has been almost 5 months but I still missed my Ompung Doli. Everyday I remember him. Everyday I wish he was here. Everyday I hope he would be with me until I get old. Everyday I miss him.


Call me crybaby, but losing somebody that is everything to you is heartbroken. I don't think I can ever get over his death.


It is 4 months and 19 days.


"If only you were here, Pung. I miss you so badly."




"God Gave Me You"
Blake Shelton

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me

And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you



Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you

There's more here than what we're seeing a divine conspiracy

That you, an angel lovely, could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr and I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you, yeah!

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm only half of what I could be

I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered, I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you
He gave me you



Saturday, November 8, 2014

Gagal Fokus dan Gagal Dapat Pacar: Korelasi = 0

Sahabatku, Boyyan, sekarang memiliki tiga ponsel.

Satu ponsel Nokia (dulu sempat menjadi produsen ponsel sejuta umat) yang usianya sudah uzur banget. Dipertahankan karena alasan yang sangat sentimentil.
Satu BlackBerry lama. Dipertahankan karena alasan yang sudah tidak kuingat lagi.
Satu ponsel Oppo yang berbasis Android. Baru berusia beberapa hari. (Akhirnya sahabatku menyerah dan membeli ponsel berbasis OS sejuta umat.)

Kami sudah mengobrol hampir dua jam sebelum memutuskan untuk mengakhiri hari dan tidur. Tiba-tiba Boyyan terdengar kebingungan, dia mengeluarkan gumaman yang tidak dapat kumengerti. Tiba-tiba dia tertawa.

Aku: "Kenapa?"

Boyyan: "Aku nyari-nyari handphone-ku satu lagi mana. Barusan aku mau ngasih tahu handphone-ku satu hilang."

Aku: "Terus?"

Boyyan: "Aku baru sadar. Satu kan lagi kupakai ngobrol ini. Bego banget ah!"

Kami tertawa terbahak-bahak. Kadang-kadang kami memang melakukan hal-hal bodoh yang lucu dan konyol.

Boyyan: "Pantesan aja nggak dapat-dapat cowok. Sering gagal fokus."

Aku: "Hubungannya apa?"

Boyyan: Cowok-cowok mana ada yang suka sama cewek gagal fokus? Cowok-cowok tuh sukanya sama cewek pintar."

Aku: "Gagal fokus dan punya pacar itu korelasinya nol. Nggak ada hubungannya."

Boyyan: "Ada. Bayangkan aja kalau lagi jalan-jalan di mall. Ceweknya menggandeng cowoknya, terus celingukan nyari sesuatu. Terus, pacarnya nanya, 'Yang, nyari apa?' Terus ceweknya jawab,
'Aku nyari cowokku. Dari tadi ada di sini kok kugandeng.'"

Aku: (tertawa ngakak) "Iya juga ya. Konyol banget kalau ada kek gitu. Ngegandeng pacar, tapi terus nyari-nyari pacarnya ada di mana. Ga sadar sedang ngegandeng pacarnya sendiri karena gagal fokus."

Kami masih tertawa-tawa membahas hal itu selama beberapa saat. Berdebat. Menurutku, tidak ada sama sekali korelasi antara gagal fokus dan gagal dapat pacar. Cewek yang gobloknya selangit saja bisa punya pacar atau suami. Cewek yang cerdasnya selangit pun bisa tidak punya pacar atau suami. Korelasi? Nol.

Kami masih belum mencapai kesepakatan tentang hipotesa ini hingga pembicaraan di telepon diakhiri. Mungkin nanti kalau kami bertemu, kami akan membahas persoalan tidak penting ini.

Wuakakakakakakakak....

*nggak penting!*

Friday, November 7, 2014

Tuhan Itu Curang!

cu.rang a tidak jujur; tidak lurus hati; tidak adil
(KBBI, 1997)

Aku baru saja selesai mengobrol dengan Tobias, keponakanku yang berusia 7 tahun. Awalnya, dia menyampaikan bahwa paket berisi majalah dan komik yang kukirim sudah tiba. Lalu, obrolan kami berjalan ngalor-ngidul dari PR menggambarnya yang harus dikumpulkan besok hingga Adrienne, adiknya yang sedang membuat roti panggang bersama Bang God, ayah mereka.

Berikut sepenggal pembicaraanku dengan Tobias.

Tobias: "Bou, Bou sudah dapat kerjaan kan?"
(Nadanya lebih mirip pernyataan ketimbang pertanyaan. Mungkin kiriman paketku bermakna aku sudah punya cukup uang untuk dipakai membeli buku.)

Aku: "Belum. Abang tetap doakan Bou kan?"

Tobias: "Ah, sudah capek Abang berdoa. Masa Bou belum dapat kerjaan juga?"

Aku: "Aduh, jangan capek dong, Bang. Doakan terus."

Tobias: "Ah, Tuhan itu curang, Bou. Udah capek kali Abang berdoa, tapi nggak dikasih-kasih-Nya kerjaan sama Bou."

Sejenak aku terdiam, sebelum akhirnya berkata, "Bukan curang. Tapi waktunya belum tiba. Mungkin besok. Atau minggu depan. Mungkin bulan depan."

Dengan kognisi yang masih sangat belia, aku mengerti bahwa pemahaman keponakanku, yah, memang seperti itu tentang Tuhan. Aku tahu, dia mengingat "Mintalah, maka akan diberikan kepadamu..." (Mat 7: 7). Saat dia sudah meminta melalui doa, dia "menuntut" untuk diberi. Konsep "semua indah pada waktunya" ("Ia membuat segala sesuatu indah pada waktunya, bahkan Ia memberikan kekekalan dalam hati mereka." Pkh 3: 11) belum bisa dipahami oleh akalnya.

Rasanya seperti ditampar. Pantas saja Jesus pernah bilang bahwa yang empunya Kerajaan Sorga adalah anak-anak. Menerima perkataan Allah apa adanya. Dan percaya. Mungkin memang harus benar-benar seperti Jacob, yang tidak akan melepaskan Tuhan sebelum Tuhan memberkatinya (Kej 32: 26).

Tuhan itu curang?
Tidak sama sekali.
Tuhan itu suka iseng?
Mungkin.
Tuhan itu baik?
Ya.

Aku sudah menganggur selama 4 bulan.
Masih hidup?
Masih.
Sehat?
Ya.
Tidak bosan?
Kadang-kadang.
Masih dicintai?
Tentu.
Masih mencintai?
Pasti.

Terus? Ya, tunggu saja. Sekarang hidupku indah. Santai, bangun tanpa alarm, tidur tanpa tenggat. Nanti, kalau sudah dapat pekerjaan, pasti lebih indah lagi. Santai, terbang ke Pekanbaru mengunjungi keluargaku, terbang ke Bali mengunjungi keluarga dan sahabatku.

Sekarang? Ya, tunggu saja. Ora et labora. Hasilnya? Ya, tunggu saja.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Insomniac Granny

I have been having trouble sleeping for years.

It started when I spent so much time alone at my balcony seven years ago. When I was in Malaysia, I rented a flat with two other girls. It was on the third floor. We had 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, a kitchen, a spacious living room, and a balcony.

I loved my room. It was only 7 m square with a small window, but it was as comfortable as a hotel suite. Okay, maybe I exaggerated, but it was comfortable.

If I was not in my room, you could find me at the balcony. Some people said that the balcony was haunted. But I found it calming and relaxing. I would sit down on the fence, drinking or smoking or calling my loved ones or just observing people and things on the street. My sleep time was reduced to 6 hours a day, then 5, then 4.

After going back to Indonesia for good, I met difficulty to overcome this problem. It has become a habit. I usually sleep only 4-5 hours. During last two years, I sleep only 3-4 hours. I could sleep more only when I was at my parents' house. My friends call me granny because they said the older you are, the less you need sleep.

Last Sunday, I slept for 3 hours only. Monday, 3 hours. Tuesday, 3 hours. Wednesday, 2 hours only. Yesterday, I couldn't sleep at all. Today, I did yoga for an hour, try to relax my mind and body. I hope that I can sleep more tonight. I made a cup of hot tea. I avoided reading and writing. I listened to System of A Down and Guns and Roses. I tried hard to fall asleep. I drank beer, hoping that I would pass out because of tiredness and beer.

Look! It's almost dawn. Damn! I don't think I can sleep tonight. Maybe tomorrow I should buy some sleeping pills.

This is not good at all. Am I old? Old is 60 years, dude! Duh! I have lost my appetite (I called Mom this afternoon, asking her send me package of her cuisine). I will die young!

Shutting down my brain. Turning off my body. Resting my soul.

Hell! Why am I still awake?

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Hari yang Cukup Menyenangkan

Hari ini hari yang cukup menyenangkann.

Tadi malam, aku berencana untuk mengikuti kebaktian jam 6.00 pagi di GPIB Ekklesia, Kalibata. Aku tidur kira-kira hampir pukul 2 dan terbangun pukul 6.14 WIB. Aku lupa mengatur alarm.

Lalu, aku putuskan untuk mengikuti kebaktian pukul 9.00 pagi. Dari situs gereja, aku mengetahui bahwa akan ada peringatan HUT Pelayanan Anak dan juga baptisan. Kupikir, tak apalah. Hitung-hitung mengobati sedikit kerinduan pada Sekolah Minggu (aku pernah menjadi guru Sekolah Minggu selama hampir 14 tahun, lho!).

Aku melewatkan makan siang dan makan malamku kemarin. Bukan, bukan karena menghemat. Aku hanya keasyikan membaca. Satu novel terjemahan dan dua novel berbahasa Inggris kuhabiskan dalam satu hari. Jadi, kupikir aku bisa sarapan dulu sebelum mandi dan berangkat.

Aku menyalakan ponsel dan membuka aplikasi permainan domino. Aku terlalu asyik bermain hingga tak sadar waktu sudah hampir setengah sembilan pagi. Aku buru-buru mandi, berpakaian, lalu berangkat.

Gedung gereja Ekklesia tidak terlalu besar. Ruang kebaktiannya hampir sebesar GPIB Gibeon Rumbai yang hanya memiliki 80 KK jemaat. Suasananya khas GPIB. Konservatif, tapi juga modern.

Liturgikanya standar. Lagu-lagu pilihannya lumayan. Pianisnya oke (aku selalu memberikan perhatian ekstra pada para pemusik gereja). Pemandu lagu biasa saja. Pendeta yang memberikan khotbah sedikit arogan dan membosankan. Tetapi aku menikmatinya. Bagaimanapun, keimanan dan spiritualitas itu kan sifatnya sangat pribadi dan rahasia, antara individu dan Tuhannya saja.

Sepulang kebaktian, aku mampir di Pempek Pak Raden di Jalan Pasar Minggu Raya. Tempatnya bersih. Sepi, karena belum jam makan siang. Tidak terlalu berisik. Sayang, makanan dan minumannya kurang enak.

Lalu, aku pulang ke rumahku, ke kamar kecilku yang panas namun nyaman. Aku memutar lagu dengan Mac-ku dan sangat menikmati obrolan dengan Pierre, adikku, lewat WhatsApp. Dilanjutkan dengan berbalas pesan dengan Boyyan, sahabatku, di Twitter. Lalu menonton The Prophecy (untuk keempat kalinya!) dan The Namesake. Mengobrol lagi lewat WhatsApp dengan Dye and G.

Sekarang masih pukul 8 malam, masih terlalu dini untuk tidur. Aku masih punya 3 novel berbahasa Indonesia dan 1 novel berbahasa Inggris yang belum kubaca. Mungkin aku akan membaca saja sampai waktu tidur tiba atau bermain virtual domino di ponsel.

Ya, hari ini memang hari yang cukup menyenangkan.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

(Not) Waiting In Vain

I've been waiting for days, weeks, months, you know. Waiting for something that has no due date. Well, just waiting for it to come, just that.

When I got into a serious problem related with my relationship with my partner two years ago, I have waited for two months before I took a new step. Not because the problem has been solved, but it was because I thought I was waiting in vain at that time. Waiting for something to be solved without doing nothing about it. It was a breakdown and I didn't want to spoil my days any longer.

I did things in between back then. I went to yoga class three times a week (I lost 20 kgs in 2 months!), I did fasting on weekdays, I prayed a lot (trust me, when I said a lot, it meant really a lot), I babysat my nephew and niece, I shared with my Mom a lot.

So, I started to think that I was not waiting in vain. I did something. And guess what, almost three months after the breakdown, I got a new job. With a way better salary, better appreciation for my work, better environment. I was so grateful. I had been waiting for days, weeks, and months, but not in vain.

The relationship problem lasted for two years, though.

I found out that I am facing the same thing again. Waiting for something to come, to happen, with no due date. I asked my self earlier today, "Am I waiting in vain?" Because we don't know what God has planned for us to bear.

So, thinking of God, who has always been taking care of me in all circumstances, it's really hard to believe if I ever waited in vain.

It's all logical to me. Always. God always takes care of me, even when I was in my worst or when I hated Him so much, He always does; why should He change this time? Maybe I feel worried a bit. Or whine about things. But I know I am not waiting in vain. Not back then, not now, not ever.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

I Miss You. I Really Do.

I miss you.

Simple words. Deep feelings. Scary thought. Because you are not here and I can tell you those words.

I remember the memories we had. I thought we would still have years to come. I thought we would still have chances to take. I thought there was still time.

But I am losing you. Maybe I have lost you for some time. I just did not realize. You are away and I am left here.

I miss talking with you. I miss hanging around you. I miss sitting beside you. You would be busy with your own thoughts and I would look at the sky trying to find any constellation. It's funny because I know nothing about constellation. It's just always something relaxing about the stars. It's like meditation, for my mind, for my body, for my soul.

I love you. More than you think. People would say I'm in love with you. Sometimes, I even think that you are my soulmate. But what is love? What is soulmate? I know nothing. What I know is I love you.

And I miss you. So much. I need nothing to tell you about it. I know you just know how much I miss you. Like Bon Jovi said, "This ain't a love song." So I don't need all the bullcrap.

I miss you. And it hurts cause I know you aren't here.

I miss you. I really do.


This is for you, my star.