A Letter to My Mom

Dear Mom,

I would never remember…

When you hold me tight for more than 9 months before I was born,

or when you had sickness every morning during pregnancy,

or when I felt excited and kicked you and Pop would caress your pregnant bump,

or when you faced hell to give me birth.

I would not remember…

When I was sick and you swang my baby body,

or when I felt sad and you sang me lullabies,

or when I took my first steps and you smiled and clapped,

or when I got my first bruise and you nursed it tenderly.

I might not remember…

When I screamed at you because you did not allow me to go with my friends,

or when I slammed the door after you scolded me for coming home late,

or when I did not answer thousands of your phone calls,

or when I shut myself at my room and ignored you.

But, I did remember…

When my heart broke for the first time and you just smiled at me, told me that I would fall in love few times before I found my soulmate,

or when I got bad scores and you lectured me how I wasted my potentials and talents,

or when I misbehad and you preached me how I should take care of and appreciate my own self,

or when I felt heartsick and you hugged me openly and warmly.

I still remember…

When I thought everything was falling into pieces, you said that sometimes we have to demolish something before build something new,

or when I got very angry, you just said that someday I would understand why you did what you did,

or when I felt so lonely, you always made me feel that I always have a place at home,

or when I thought I was a big girl now then I realized that even big girls need their mama once in a while.

Mom, I am remembering…

That you have always been there, no matter what,

You are here, right in my heart and in my mind;

That you have always been my light when darkness came,

You are standing there keeping the light on, I always know my way home;

That you have always been my bestfriend,

You are my first bestie.

Mom, to the world, maybe you’re just a mother,

But, to me, you are the world.

Selamat Hari Ibu, Mom.

I love you more than I can say.

Many kisses and big hugs,

Your only daughter XOXO

If Only You Were Here

I took a 10 minutes break. I found "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton on YouTube. While enjoying the video, I found myself almost cry on my chair.

Hell, I was in the middle of working with my colleagues sitting on their own chairs. I should not cry here. It would be embarassing and I was not supposed to do personal matter at the office.

So, I closed the video and grabbed my BlackBerry. I found a picture of me and my Ompung Doli (Grandpa) then put it as profile picture on BBM. Damn! I missed him so much!

During lunch break, I checked my BBM. My Tatte (aunt) has saved my profile picture and put the picture as her profile picture with status "Toppu malungun tu Damang" (Suddenly miss father). I sent her message.

Me: "Same here. I miss Ompung Doli so badly."
Tatte: "Yeah. Maybe because Christmas is coming."
Me: "Yeah..."

While riding my motorbike on my way home after work, I felt so sad. I cried out loud. My tears streamed on my both cheeks. I screamed, "Ompuuuung...!! Aku rinduuuu...!! (Grandpa! I miss you!) I realized some people saw me but I didn't care.

I missed him so, so badly that it hurt so deep. He was my guardian angel. He was my hero. He was my role model. He was everything to me. And he was not here. Anymore.

Arrived at home, I texted Tatte. Then, she called me. Her voice broke. She must have cried. She told me that my Mom also felt so mellow all day, missing Ompung Doli. We talked about 10 minutes, talking about how great Ompung Doli has been.

I lied down on and cried again.

It has been almost 5 months but I still missed my Ompung Doli. Everyday I remember him. Everyday I wish he was here. Everyday I hope he would be with me until I get old. Everyday I miss him.

Call me crybaby, but losing somebody that is everything to you is heartbroken. I don't think I can ever get over his death.

It is 4 months and 19 days.

"If only you were here, Pung. I miss you so badly."



"God Gave Me You"
Blake Shelton

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you

There's more here than what we're seeing a divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely, could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr and I'll be the flattered fool

And I need you, yeah!

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm only half of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered, I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you
He gave me you

I Miss You. I Really Do.

I miss you.

Simple words. Deep feelings. Scary thought. Because you are not here and I can tell you those words.

I remember the memories we had. I thought we would still have years to come. I thought we would still have chances to take. I thought there was still time.

But I am losing you. Maybe I have lost you for some time. I just did not realize. You are away and I am left here.

I miss talking with you. I miss hanging around you. I miss sitting beside you. You would be busy with your own thoughts and I would look at the sky trying to find any constellation. It's funny because I know nothing about constellation. It's just always something relaxing about the stars. It's like meditation, for my mind, for my body, for my soul.

I love you. More than you think. People would say I'm in love with you. Sometimes, I even think that you are my soulmate. But what is love? What is soulmate? I know nothing. What I know is I love you.

And I miss you. So much. I need nothing to tell you about it. I know you just know how much I miss you. Like Bon Jovi said, "This ain't a love song." So I don't need all the bullcrap.

I miss you. And it hurts cause I know you aren't here.

I miss you. I really do.


This is for you, my star.

More Than 'Forever'

"So, after living in Bali for 2 months, do you have somebody to introduce? That potential enough to be my new boyfriend?"

"Nobody. It's kind of impossible, you know, sis?"

"Why is that?"

"Well, I know Big Bro would think and say the same thing about this. You are our only sister. No man, once again, no man will be good enough for you, in our eyes. Even if he is the best man alive in this earth, we'll always try to find his flaws."



"So, I better find the guy myself?"



"Yeah. You find the right guy for you, and we'll try to find any reasons to love him as well."



I think I would start to cry right a way if my little brother didn't ask me other things. It was the sweetest, nicest, and loveliest thing somebody has ever told me. More than just 'I love you'. More than 'You are my everything.' More than 'Forever.'


Thursday, August 29, 2014

Selamat Jalan!

Selamat jalan!

See You Later, Pung!

Aku memesan taksi untuk pukul 3.30 WIB. Aku akan terbang dari Bandara Soekarno-Hatta menuju Medan dengan penerbangan pukul 6.00 WIB. Sendiri. Pierre tidak jadi ikut pulang. Sangat sulit mendapatkan tiket dari Denpasar ke Medan, maklum masih masa Lebaran. Sudahlah seat-nya sangat terbatas, mahal pula. Cuma ada penerbangan Garuda, dengan transit di Kuala Lumpur (whaaaatt....????), dengan harga lebih dari tiga setengah juta rupiah sekali jalan. Mau yang lebih murah, harus menggunakan beberapa maskapai berbeda dan berhenti di beberapa kota. Denpasar ke Jogjakarta. Jogjakarta ke Surabaya. Surabaya ke Jakarta. Jakarta ke Medan. Hah!

Tiba di Bandara Kuala Namu, Medan, aku berlambat-lambat keluar dari terminal. Ini kali ketiga aku berada di bandara ini dan segala sesuatunya masih terasa sangat asing bagiku. Saat berjalan di lantai dasar, tiba-tiba seseorang menyapaku. Kaget, karena ternyata yang menyapaku Dexon, adik tingkatku di F. Psi UI dulu. Kami naik ke lantai satu dan memilih tempat di salah satu kedai. Mengobrol. Bertukar nomor telepon. Berfoto. Sayang, Dexon harus segera melapor ke check-in counter dan masuk ruang tunggu. Senang rasanya bertemu kawan lama. Terakhir kami berjumpa mungkin 9 tahun yang lalu. Kami berpisah dengan janji akan terus saling mengabari.

Well, aku tahu aku sedang mengulur waktu. Aku mencari taksi (di Medan, taksi itu sebutan untuk mobil sewaan bersama, semacam omprengan di Jakarta) dengan lamban, akhirnya memutuskan menyewa ojek untuk sampai ke pinggiran kota dan mencari taksi di sana, menyetir mobil Tulang Jan dari kota Balige ke rumah dengan lambat, menolak untuk melihat peti di mana Ompung Doli dibaringkan.

Aku belum siap.

Lucu. Ketika 2 tahun lalu Ompung Boru berangkat ke surga tanpa sakit, meninggal saat sedang tidur nyenyak, aku tidak sesedih ini. Ya, aku sedih, tentu saja. Kenanganku bersama Ompung Boru pun tidak kalah banyaknya. Tetapi, aku bisa lebih tegar dan santai menghadapinya. Tapi, ini lain. Rasanya sebagian dari diriku ikut pergi bersama Ompung Doli.

Lucu. Karena rasanya seperti kehilangan soulmate. Mungkinkah belahan jiwa kita itu adalah kakek kita sendiri? Mungkin mustahil, tapi rasanya ya seperti itu.

Aku menunggu hingga rumah sepi. Hanya ada saudara kandung Mom dan keluarga inti mereka. Aku mendekati Ompung Doli. Membuka kain (entah apa sebutannya) yang menutupnya. Kupandangi wajahnya. Kusentuh keningnya. Kuraba dadanya. Kugenggam tangannya. Lalu menangis.

Kalau tidak sendiri, aku hanya menangis di depan orang-orang tertentu. Di depan orang-orang pilihanku. Aku tidak suka dan tidak mau menunjukkan kelemahanku.

Kuhabiskan beberapa menit untuk menangis. Tidak lama, hanya sebentar. Lalu aku berpaling pada kedua keponakanku untuk mengajak mereka bermain.

Tanpa mengucapkan selamat jalan.

Foto ini diambil keesokan harinya...

Sudah Selesai

F*ck! 
Aku merasa jantungku meloncat keluar dari dadaku.

SMS dari abangku cuma dua kata.

Tatte menelepon beberapa saat yang lalu. Mengabarkan bahwa Ompung Doli dalam keadaan kritis. Katanya karena dehidrasi parah. Ditambah stroke luhur. Juga karena memang tubuhnya sudah tua.

Oh, come on! 79 years old, people. Banyak orang yang masih bertahan hidup, sehat pula, hingga usia 90 tahun.

Wake up, Bee! Ompung Doli itu petani. Tukang kayu gratisan karena hanya bekerja untuk keluarga. Tukang bangunan paruh waktu. Mengisap 2 bungkus rokok kretek sehari selama puluhan tahun. Memang bisa dibilang jarang minum minuman beralkohol. But, what do you expect?

Aku menelepon Pop. Tatte. Mom. BG. Confirmed, Ompung Doli sudah berangkat ke rumah Bapa di surga. Aku mengabari Pierre, adikku. Lalu mulai membuka internet untuk mengecek tiket pesawat. Pulang. Ke Balige.

Sekarang, aku baru punya waktu untuk mengingat kembali semua penggalan cerita di masa lalu, yang menampilkan Ompung Doli sebagai tokoh utama atau pemeran pendukung.

Ompung Doli yang selalu tampil necis. Sepatu putih. Kemeja. Topi. Rokok di sela-sela bibir.
Ompung Doli yang selalu membiarkanku menjadi bayangannya.
Ompung Doli yang tiba-tiba muncul saat subuh pertama setelah aku opname dan menghilang lagi petangnya.
Ompung Doli yang menolak ikut berlibur ke Bali hanya karena aku tidak mau ikut karena satu dan lain hal.
Ompung Doli yang selama setahun terakhir sering kali berkata, "Kalau aku sudah tidak ada, siapa yang akan menjagamu?"
Ompung Doli yang tidak banyak bicara.
Ompung Doli yang sabar dan tidak pernah marah.

Hatiku sakit. Rasanya seperti sedang patah hati setelah diputuskan pacar, hanya saja sakitnya berpuluh-puluh kali lebih parah. Aku merindukannya. Sangat.

Otakku mengerti, Ompung Doli sudah terbebas dari semua sakit fisik dan penderitaan dunia. Dia dijemput Bapa karena di rumah Bapa dia sudah pasti akan lebih baik dan lebih bahagia. Tapi hatiku menolak untuk paham. Berpuluh-puluh kali sudah kukatakan aku rela melepaskannya pergi, berjuta-juta kali kukatakan itu bohong.

Nanti. Aku akan melepaskannya dengan rela. Nanti.

Tidak sekarang.


Nanti.

Aku dan Willie Nelson

Satu minggu ini, aku selalu terngiang sama suara Willie Nelson yang menyanyikan "Always On My Mind". Lagi mandi, lagi makan, lagi baca buku, lagi menghajar senar gitar, ituuuu terus yang terngiang. Seakan MP3 playerku memainkan lagu itu play one tanpa henti lewat speaker di seluruh sudut rumah.

Tiba-tiba jadi ingat masa lalu.

Waktu masih kelas VI SD, aku dapat hadiah sebuah kaset berisi lagu-lagu country lewat sebuah perlombaan di Sekolah Minggu. Salah satu lagunya, ya lagu si Willie Nelson ini. Memang kasetnya sendiri sudah tidak ketahuan lagi rimbanya, tapi aku masih ingat lagu tersebut ada di Side A, lagu kedua terakhir.

Ketika akhirnya berpacaran pertama kali (tsaaahh!) sewaktu kelas III SMP, lagu ini belum menjadi istimewa. Aku sedang tergila-gila pada Guns 'n Roses, terutama pada "November Rain"-nya (sampai sekarang pun aku masih tergila-gila pada mereka). Aku masih termehek-mehek tiap mendengar lagu-lagu Reba McIntyre dan Garth Brooks.

Masuk SMU (pada zamanku, lanjutan SMP kembali menjadi SMU dan sistem semester kembali menjadi caturwulan), aku naksir berat pada seorang cowok berandal yang cerdas selama 3 tahun sampai akhirnya berhasil memacarinya hanya selama 49 hari! Jiaaahh....!! Selama penantian itulah, rasanya suara Willie Nelson terdengar lebih seksi dan menggetarkan hati dan lirik lagunya lebih bermakna seakan-akan menjadi soundtrack film kehidupanku.

Bertahun-tahun setelah itu, bahkan setelah kami putus dan berjalan masing-masing dengan orang yang lain, lagu itu masih terasa istimewa.

Tiga tahun sudah. Lagu itu hampir tidak pernah kudengar lagi. Versi Elvis Presley menyanyikan lagu tersebut masih kusimpan dalam handphone-ku. Sesekali aku masih mendengarnya. Tapi suara Elvis yang tidak ada duanya tidak mengirimkan getaran apa pun pada hatiku. Entah kenapa, pesona lagu itu seperti hilang dari kehidupanku. Dalam susah, senang, sedih, bahagia....seakan lagu itu tidak muncul dalam ingatan.

Dan tiba-tiba....Willie Nelson datang lagi. Kali ini dalam versi MPEG-4 yang ku-download dari YouTube. Dengan suara seksi dan menggetarkan hatinya. Tidak sebagus Josh Groban atau seseksi Rod Steward memang, tapi kembali membuatku berdebar-debar.

Aku merindukan seseorang. Bukan, bukan si cowok berandal yang cerdas. Dia sudah menikah sekarang, dan sangat tidak pantas merindukannya. Oke, aku merindukan kenangan kami, tapi tidak merindukannya. Bagaimana pun, kenangan bersamanya yang menguatkanku saat-saat bergumul dengan masa remaja dan masa kuliah.

Bukan pula si pacar 6 tahun-ku yang kutinggal begitu saja karena aku melarikan diri ke Malaysia. Seorang sahabat mengatakan dia masih mengharapkanku dan tidak mau menjalin hubungan dengan perempuan lain. (Oh, Tuhan, kirimkan perempuan yang tepat untuknya!). Oke, aku mengenang hal-hal indah yang pernah terjadi di antara kami, tapi tidak mengenangnya.

Aku merindukan seseorang. Sosoknya tidak jelas. Dan semakin tidak jelas tiap kali aku mencoba merangkai raut wajahnya. Aku tidak tahu apakah aku memang mengenalnya. Apakah aku pernah mencintainya? Kalau iya, apakah aku masih mencintainya sekarang? Kalau iya, kenapa sosoknya makin lama makin tidak jelas?

Pagi ini, Willie Nelson berbicara lagi lewat "Always On My Mind" di headphone MP5-ku. Entah kenapa, ada hubungan khusus antara aku dengan suara Willie Nelson. Rasanya, lagu Willie Nelson yang kutahu cuma yang satu ini. Tapi hatiku berdebar. Bahkan tanganku gemetar. Kucoba mencari sosok yang kurindukan melalui visualisasi dalam benakku. Wajahnya kini tertutup kabut, yang semakin lama semakin tebal. Seandainya saja matahari datang menghalau kabut itu turun.

Between You, Me, and The Big Black Old Trunk

I have gone. The journey was over. You haven’t found me yet. Maybe I got into the wrong tunnel. Or maybe you waited for me at the wrong station.

I bought a ticket, but I never got into that train. I walked down the path, instead, completely with my tired legs and big black old trunk. The trunk was so heavy, and I tried to empty it. But, I found myself couldn’t do it.

Then, I realized. The trunk was full of my memories; the good ones, and the bad ones. They were about them, and him, and you, and me, and us as well. I had only one choice; I had to throw out the trunk and its contents or I brought it for the rest of my life. I knew it very consciously; the trunk was the only one that I had left.

I made my decision because you were not here. I left her, the other side of me, with you. She was all you’ve ever really wanted. I brought that big black old trunk with me. I brought all the past. I brought all the memories. I brought all you’ve never wanted.

I made another trunk, the beautiful new trunk; white with purple embroidery of flowers on it. I left it with her, as a memento for her and for you.

Things have been so hard lately. And it got harder every time I measured the distance between you and me. The further I stepped, the harder it went. Between you, me, and that big black old trunk, there wasn’t any chain anymore. But, why was the trunk getting heavier every time I made a little step?

Between You, Me, and Pecel Ayam

Subject #1

No records found.

Subject #2

No records found.

Subject #3

No records found.

Subject #4

This morning, I remembered him in a sudden. 12 years ago, I’ve ever loved him once. When there’s nothing left to blame, I had him. When there’s nobody there to hear my sorrow, he heard me. When there’s anybody else to believe, I put my trust on him. I remembered him. Not much, but I do still remember him.

Subject #5

No records found.

Subject #6

On my way to work, I remembered him, not in a sudden. I was thinking about subject #4 when I remembered him. I needed almost 3 years to give in on subject #4 when finally I tried to start hoping again. When things went hard, I thought I had him. When it seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel, I thought I was finally saved. 9 years ago, I’ve ever loved him once.

Subject #7

Facing laptop screen on my table, I remembered you. No, not in a sudden, because I always remember you. My hands were typing words I couldn’t recognize, my head was thinking of you. Years ago, I’ve ever loved you once. I still do now. Years ago, I’ve ever hated you once. I still do now.

I have built a tiny cocoon; to hide myself, to protect me from pain and happiness, to keep me safe from empty hopes that never came true. I needed 5 years to set myself free. I needed more time to get myself back.

Between you, me, and pecel ayam, there were hundreds heart-to-heart moments we shared; when we talked about God… about future… about love… about life…

And about pain… about affair… about past… about faith… about loyalty…

Also about them… about him… about you… about me… about us…

Things come, things go. People come, people go. Things change because people change. Then, I finally understand. I tried hard to set me free. One thing I kept declining to realize, I locked myself in a box and I forgot where I put the key. I tried hard to get myself back. One thing I’ve never known, I have always been me.

That pecel ayam has never been between you and me again for so long time. And we never talked about God anymore… about future… about love… about life…

And about pain… about affair… about past… about faith… about loyalty…

Also about them… about him… about you… about me… about us… no more.

I have gone so far, and I have never changed. I’m still here, waiting for you to come and take me home. If I take another way and you find me at the end of my journey, I’m too afraid to find out whether you will be happy or not.

Today's Babble: Live, Love, and Let Die

I'm not a rose (but I'm beautiful)
I'm not sugar (but I'm sweet)
I'm not baby (but I'm lovable)
and I'm not her (or her, or her, or her)

I'm not strong (but I'm tough)
I'm not weak (but I'm flexible)
I'm not strict (but I'm firm)
and I'm not her (or her, or her, or her)

I'm not the girl you will love easily
I'm not the person you hope for
I'm not the one you can change
and I'm not her (or her, or her, or her)

I'm not the collector who will call you every five minutes but never get answered
I'm not the message center who send you message but never get replied
I'm not the stupid one you can fool
and I'm not her (or her, or her, or her)

I live today, not for yesterday
I love today, also for tomorrow
I let my self die, only for now
and don't you know that I'm not her (or her, or her, or her)

Darling, you know heart can change
but nothing's left behind
and I try not to look back.

Aku Mencintai Kau Saja

Aku mencintaimu
semudah hujan yang turun di musim penghujan,
segampang memejamkan mata lalu tertidur di pelukanmu,
sesederhana debaran jantungku saat kau katakan kau rindu aku,
semudah itu karena kau memang pantas kucintai sedemikian rupa.

Aku akan mencintaimu
hingga tak tersisa lagi kelahiran untukku nanti,
hingga detik kau berhenti mencintaiku,
hingga saat cinta tak lagi menjadi alasan kita bersama.

Aku mencintai kau saja.

FabulasPraeteriti: Cowok Ganteng di HKBP KL

Dipindah dan diedit ulang dari sini... 

Setelah berjuang menahan kantuk akibat kembali begadang di malam Minggu, bersabar menunggu bus yang harus kutumpangi menuju stasiun KTM komuter, menahan diri untuk tidak menyumpahi matahari yang bersinar sangat terik, akhirnya dengan selamat aku tiba di HKBP yang menumpang di gedung Lutheran Church di Kuala Lumpur. Aku tiba saat lagu pertama dimainkan dan langsung duduk di bangku barisan tengah.

Sambil menikmati lagu, mataku mulai memandang satu persatu jemaat yang hadir. Hmm....lagi-lagi dipenuhi TKI yang bekerja di Malaysia. Sedikit rasa geli menggelitik hatiku, aku jijik pada diriku sendiri yang memandang rendah para TKI itu. Padahal gaji mereka hampir 3 kali lipat dari uang bulanan yang selalu kuterima dari Pop-Mom. Cih! Soknya aku.

Terakhir kali, mataku berhenti pada sosok itu. Hahahahaha....aku tertawa sendiri dalam hati. Baru kali ini aku melihat ada laki-laki di Malaysia yang bisa membuat aku berdebar. Sial! Apa-apaan ini? Masak pergi kebaktian ke gereja malah sibuk memandangi si cowok itu? Bisa-bisa kena tampar Tuhan aku!

Selesai kebaktian, aku kembali menaikkan antena dan memasang baik-baik mataku. Dan ternyata si cowok itu memang seganteng yang kubayangkan. Aduuuuhh....gimana kalau ternyata dia satu marga sama aku? Gimana kalau dia cuma pengunjung yang numpang berkebaktian? Gimana kalau dia sudah menikah? Gimana kalau.... Hei, hei! Apa-apaan aku ini? Pemikiran yang sangat dangkal, tidak beralasan, dan sepertinya tidak penting.


Itu tiga minggu yang lalu, saat aku akhirnya pergi menghadiri kebaktian lagi setelah absen hampir selama 3 bulan. Dan entah karena penasaran atau memang Roh Kudus sedang menang melawan iblis, minggu lalu aku pergi lagi kebaktian di HKBP Kuala Lumpur. Tapi si cowok ganteng itu tidak datang....


Siaaaallll....!! Wuakakakakakak....