Me, My Self, and I

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Today's Babble: Intimate Relationship with God

At the end of June, I was invited in presentation session at a well-known private university. I applied for a lecturer position early May. The presentation session was followed up with psychological test and brief interview with Human Capital (HC) staff at the beginning of July.

After one and half month without any further contact from that university, they called me last week, out of the blue. They invited me to attend an interview with HC manager and another presentation session. So, this morning, I visited the campus. I think the presentation and interview ran well. Unfortunately, the HC manager was not available. They will contact me some other time next week for another interview.

I left the campus with disappointment. I had big hope in this opportunity. But after not contacting me for one and half month, I have put my hope away. I considered my self failed. Then, they called me in again. And I built my hope around me again. A bigger one.

I was disappointed because it's like God playing with my future, with my feelings, with my life. Indeed, I sound ungrateful. I'm sorry. But being jobless for almost 2 months makes me more sensitive and act like a jerk!

Then, I got news from my little brother. He got a job in Bali! After returning from Germany last June, finally he got employed and I thank God for that, I really do. This is big!

I teased my brother by saying, "So, you don't hate God no more, huh?"

He replied, "No, I don't hate God no more. Relax, sis. He's my best friend. Sometimes, when He annoys me, I stop talking to Him. When I make Him upset, He stops talking to me. But, time after time, we are back to hang out together. Always like that. So intimate, huh? "

My little brother says "I hate God" more often than I do. He goes to the church less than I do (I'm not even a church-goer!). I only see him pray when he eats. He says "I am angry with God, I don't wanna go to the church!" more than I do.

Well, I feel like somebody slapped me in the face. Right after disconnecting the line with my brother, I told Jesus, "Damn! I feel so tired with all of the process, Jesus. It seems they like me but they cannot decide to give me the position or not. Please, oh please, tell Father that I need a job. Any job. Soon. But, um, if Father says that the time is still not right yet, I count on You only to take this bad, bad feeling away. It's so hard. Sorry I throw all of these shits to You. But, um, You are the only one who is capable of putting all the miseries away. Thanks, Jesus, You're still the best. And please send my regard to Father."

I know I sound disrespectful. But, you know what? I feel closer, much closer, to God than before.

Warmer.
Deeper.
Intimate.

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